The Decision

Should he or should I? From my experience women don’t normally initiate divorce filings, it’s traditionally the man who is leaving and moving on. However, it seems that more and more women are actually deciding to not stay in broken marriages-trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Now this may not be statically true but from my perspective it seems that way. More of us women are choosing ourselves over the marriage, the kids and the opinions of others when filing for divorce. I’m not sure is this is a good or bad thing, I guess it’s situational. Traditionally, it had been men who have decide to divorce because he found a new PYT or side piece and was ready to move for whatever reason but now more women are ‘reclaiming their time’ honey 😜! Women are choosing real happiness, and letting go of the fear of feeling stuck and starting over. Many have stayed for kids or fear of starting over and being alone. However, staying for the kids just makes you build resentment which leaves you bitter, miserable and alone- alone and married 😥. Knowing how and when to decide if divorce is right for you will be different for everyone.

For me I had several ways in which I decided: -weighing the burdens of proof. Yup, I thought that the ‘receipts’ would validate to people why I had to do but it’s really nonya! (Nine of your business). And you don’t need texts, photos, or any other receipts to prove somethings wrong.

Now I’m not saying you gotta catch somebody in the act or be checking his phone. However, if you feeling like doing it then your relationship is already in jeopardy.

-the pros and cons of leaving

Broken family, being single again, kids might take it hard and act out, changing you social, passport and credit & debit cards 💆🏾‍♀️ or not wondering if they working late or putting in work 😏,

-lots of prayer and fasting

Prayer can changes things but not the will of a person- only they themselves can do that. Mannnn listen, I did so many fasts- ya gurl was hangry okay 😩. But I wanted an answer from the Lord not the prophet or my inner circle.

Additionally, I attempted to exhaust all of our options: therapy, Christian counseling , marriage self help books, more intermittent prayer and fasting and researching the topics of divorce and all of the subtopics thereof in google for endless hours- endless. Sometimes my whole work day consisted of it.

I kept the topic of Divorce to myself for over a year or so- maybe too long but I wanted to fight for my marriage and there’s is nothing wrong with doing that. Don’t let people married or single help you decide. Divorce isn’t the only option and should be taken under serious consideration and should be YOUR last resort-the last! You don’t enter marriage with the thought of divorce, at least I didn’t. Divorce in my opinion should never ever be thrown around nonchalantly to your spouse, EVER! It’s not to be used as a threat. A marriage is work and it’s ministry and just because you had a bad day, week or season for that matter doesn’t mean you should run but it means you should; do the work! Faith without works is dead, so give God something to work with.

“Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.” -James‬ ‭2:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

So how did I go about making the decision to get a divorce? I didn’t know and sometimes I still don’t know but the decision wasn’t just based solely on my feelings. The decision was based on the 2 circumstances, my children and my peace and some of the other things I listed above. However, getting a divorce should be your last resort! Yup, I know what your thinking why she saying that and she got a divorce she don’t know what I’m going though, I can’t take this no more I’m done with this man. Whether he cheated 1 time or multiple times, whether you’ve been broken down busted or disgusted what you have to know for sure is that your are ready to completely move on, if not then maybe you shouldn’t. Now I’m not an advocate of divorce I’m just a girl trying to tell my testimony in hopes that it will help women, even if its just 1. Thing is I do know some of what your going through because I probably should’ve gotten divorced maybe in 2013/2014 but it didn’t happen until 2016. The reason why is because although I gave myself to Christ in 2011 I was just attending church but not really in full relationship and understanding of who I was in HIM and what HE wanted from me. The more I began to grow in Christ I was better able to see that God honors marriage and the more I took His covenant of marriage seriously. Look here who wants to make a breach of contract with God?!, not I. I never wanted to dishonor any of God’ sacred covenants? Never!! I’m also not saying that my relationship with Christ broke my marriage but it did magnify some of the cracks.

Now there are many things that can break a marriage Trust and infidelity, money, jealousy/ insecurities to name a few. There’re some of the things that that broke my marriage.

Ones thing for sure is you know when it’s over but the fear is being the one to say it first for fear of hurting the other feelings or the burden of guilt of wanting to leave. It took me 3 years or more to decide whether or not I was gonna go file and it was a painstaking 3 years I might add. I admit I first thought it in about 2013 and thought just pick-up and run you don’t have to deal with this! Now I had only been going to church off and on for a few years so there was so much I hadn’t understood yet about covenant, marriage or relationships.

I got married at 27 and I thought I knew who I was and what I was getting into. Truth is I still don’t but I’m getting there and I’m okay with that (most days) but that’s another story. As with most it was just the next step to take in the progression of things in our relationships. I’d known this man almost all my life dating on and off since I was 17, lived together so, why not get married it’s the next thing to do right? no it didn’t need to be – I know that now. Besides, I loved him and was in love with him and wanted to build a future with him. Notice how many times I said ‘I’ and not we? It’s gotta be and ‘us’ thing, a ‘we’ thing. We weren’t moving forward together. We both had great ideas about how it would work but I’m not sure if we ever communicated it well enough to each other. I first began to see real trouble after the twins were born but thought to myself don’t worry he’s just jealous of them for right now once we get a rhythm of the twins we’ll be back on track but I’m not sure we ever did. Having children is a blessing but that too will magnify the problems in your marriage. Truth is I’m still trying to get my life because twins are no joke- mom life! There were a number of things that brought our marriage crumbling down. Neither of us I think knew what we were doing even though we tried. We weren’t perfect but we tried to make it work the best way we knew how. I could go in dept as to the details but neither of us were perfect and out of honor and respect for my ex I will protect him because I will always have love for him and he’s my children’s father- PERIOD.

Now I’m not totally saying that people who are not in Christ can’t have successful marriages. There are marriages that have longevity 20, 30 and 50 years and have exceed those of maybe some people who lead from the pulpit! What I am saying is that if WE both knew and understood Christ and the covenant of marriage before getting married maybe we would have been able last longer than we did.

The decision to get a divorce is life changing to say the least. It has effects not just the couple but the entire family dynamic. So Let your minds be sober, your spirit be right, be whole before making the decision to even get married. That way you don’t have to be sitting down weighing the options of divorce. Marriage is ministry and with any ministry it’s take work and you have to serve and submit to God, if your willing to do that then HE can bless it! Let God Decide.

Love,

Divorced and Married-

4 thoughts on “The Decision

  1. Your honesty and truth will help someone make the difficult decision to stay married or divorce because informative perspectives give someone tools to decide. Thank you for sharing

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  2. “I was hungry!” 😂😂 that made me buss out laughing because although I was never married, I am guilty of starving myself for a dude. I was fading away like Fat Albert outside the TV. Never told people what i was fasting for. Such a life lesson. This was great Evie!

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  3. This was so powerful reading. Thank you for your insight! These types of decisions are never easy to make when wanting/hoping your doing the right thing.

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