Time’s up…!

There comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and let people know that their place is now on the other side. Yeah, you might be hurt or in your emotions right now but you gotta just deal with it. Your time is up! Time waits on no man, or should I say: no one. It’s constantly moving, progressing. The older I get the more I realize that there’s; my time, your time and then there’s Gods time and Gods timing is perfect. The part that sucks is when you’re not ready… key word here: ‘you’. We, I mean, I gotta learn how to move outta Gods way… it’s easy said than done though.

Recently, I’ve come to the realization that some people are seasonal and no matter how long they’ve been around. When they are moved out of the way you have to know that Gods plan is at hand and you have to let go. Yes, sometimes it’s hard, really hard to move or let go. But, the more you try to mend, fix or hold on to it/then God will make the relationship more uncomfortable for you, very, very uncomfortable. Trust, if God wants you to move He will push you 👌🏾, like make you stumble and fall push.

For years, when going jean shopping I’d pick multiple sizes and styles to see which one fits the best or looks good on my body type. I can’t take them all just the ones that fit and sometimes every couple months I need new sizes depending on if my weight fluctuates😏 (God bless the person who made Lycra). So you see, change and growth is inevitable! It MUST happen. People should grow, change, and evolve based on the circumstances of life. The adaptation teaches you what you like and don’t like, what to pick up and what to put down (I pick things up and I put them down 😂). If you’re still the same person you were 5, 10, or 15yrs ago you haven’t grown, matured or lived for that matter. The same goes for platonic or monogamous relationships. They should grow with every situation thrown at it either getting closer together, forming a stronger bond or it will fall apart because it can’t withstand the challenges it brings.

One more example; this one might make the saints question me but… whatever, I wasn’t always saved! Just like with wine, whiskey or cognac, when it’s first produced it has a sharp edge to it. It’s good enough to drink but it could be even better after it’s aged over time. The aging increases not only the flavor but the value and most of all gives you an intense smooth flavor. So, basically what I’m trying to say is if you have fruit that’s going to spoil; throw it out or make wine with it before the times up! LOL

You’re a Hypocrite!

By definition a hypocrite is:

A person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.

Also known as:

An actor, backslider, pretender, Pharisee, fraud, poser, con artist, two-faced

and the list goes on.

Recently, maybe in the last 2 weeks or so I’ve been called this twice 😳. Dang! I thought to myself maybe there may be some truth to this. I also had to consider the person delivering the message before I considered it’s validity. The 2nd time really hurt and I was taken a back because the person is a confidant/friend.

It kept me up thinking in what ways have I fallen short of the glory of God? How can I correct it and do other ppl have this same view point of me? Does it matter the person who said as to whether it should take an affect on me? Bible says that we all fall short of the glory right? Sometimes it seems that when you’re a Christian that people don’t leave you any room for error, absolutely NONE! Whether your a ‘Seasoned saint or a new believer’ people will attack your moral character, it’s as if your entire being is on blast to be scrutinized. I started thinking is this being said because I no longer fit into the box that they once had me in. I’m no longer the person they want me to be? Sometimes my relationship with Jesus can make my old friends/family/associations uncomfortable. I can’t and sometimes shouldn’t do, say or partake in those things I used to🤷🏾‍♀️.

-Saul became Paul.

-The woman at the well became a witness and evangelist

-Peter turned his back on God in the final hour.

These people had direct and indirect contact with Christ and it was still hard for them to stay in line with His commandments. Now I’m not making excuses for me missteps or short comings but it just goes to show you that; “we fall down but we get up” 😂😂. Now that’s not to say that I’m not open to correction but is it being done in love? Are the intentions to hurt, tear down or to make yourself feel good about you and your short comings? Is there sincerity behind it? Will I be edified afterwards?

People in the back, lean in right quick for a second:

“I’m NOT perfect I’m just SAVED”!!

Yes, I’m saved because I believe that Christ died on the cross for my sins. It means that everyday I’m striving to remain holy and acceptable to Christ not YOU booboo👌🏾 so Shut All The Way Up! Just like staying fit requires a lifestyle change. A change in your food choices, your physical activity the same for Christians. It’s a lifestyle of worship, it’s a daily walk- heart thing. It means that I don’t have it altogether but everyday I’m striving towards it here on earth until I get to heaven. So ease up, back off, mind your business and don’t watch me, watch TV, matter a fact hold up the mirror to yourself and ask God to show you you. This walk with Christ is hard enough without people judging me.

Seriously though, what I’m saying is I’m working on being a better me everyday, some days are harder than others and I may slide back a little or maybe a lot 🙈. So, remember that before you call me out my name that you need to check yourself and it’s best that you don’t come for me unless I send for you because I ain’t all the way delivered yet😑🙈.

Pray for ya girl I need it and I’ll pray for you🙏🏾

Tips

I recently decided to go get tips 💅🏾to go on my vacation. I don’t normally ever wear tips or nail extensions at all. During the process they sand down your nail bed to create a rough surface, apply glue then the tips, shape, apply acrylic, smooth and polish. Think I got that order right? Afterwards, I thought, girl what were you thinking getting these things 😨 even my sister was like girl don’t do it you’re gonna regret it. When I was in my early 20’s I used to wear tips with no problem but now it’s cumbersome. No offense to those that where them but they make my regular activities awkward and I’m on vacation- I can’t imagine being home having to clean, fold or wash dishes.

Sometimes relationships or even marriages can’t go back to doing the same things you used to do in the beginning. To be truly honest the more you get to know someone and you grow together (if your not growing your dying- undebatable) certain things cant be applied anymore. You create the surface or the building blocks of your relationship. You apply the tips or the love that is required to build on that surface and then you shape and polish it for it to be shiny.

After a while you either need a refill or you have to soak the tips off. Hopeful you can get a refill and have those nails looking spanky brand new. Thing is when you soak the tips off your left with a thin nail bed which you’ll spend weeks and months to grow back to its initial state.

Tip: make sure you can constantly get a refill or you’ll be left thin, broken and taking months even years to heal.

Currently wearing my tips in Punta Cana and will be taking them off as soon as I’m back in the states no refills for me 😉.

Love ya girl,

Divorced & Married on vacaciones ✈️💅🏾☀️😂

The Decision

Should he or should I? From my experience women don’t normally initiate divorce filings, it’s traditionally the man who is leaving and moving on. However, it seems that more and more women are actually deciding to not stay in broken marriages-trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Now this may not be statically true but from my perspective it seems that way. More of us women are choosing ourselves over the marriage, the kids and the opinions of others when filing for divorce. I’m not sure is this is a good or bad thing, I guess it’s situational. Traditionally, it had been men who have decide to divorce because he found a new PYT or side piece and was ready to move for whatever reason but now more women are ‘reclaiming their time’ honey 😜! Women are choosing real happiness, and letting go of the fear of feeling stuck and starting over. Many have stayed for kids or fear of starting over and being alone. However, staying for the kids just makes you build resentment which leaves you bitter, miserable and alone- alone and married 😥. Knowing how and when to decide if divorce is right for you will be different for everyone.

For me I had several ways in which I decided: -weighing the burdens of proof. Yup, I thought that the ‘receipts’ would validate to people why I had to do but it’s really nonya! (Nine of your business). And you don’t need texts, photos, or any other receipts to prove somethings wrong.

Now I’m not saying you gotta catch somebody in the act or be checking his phone. However, if you feeling like doing it then your relationship is already in jeopardy.

-the pros and cons of leaving

Broken family, being single again, kids might take it hard and act out, changing you social, passport and credit & debit cards 💆🏾‍♀️ or not wondering if they working late or putting in work 😏,

-lots of prayer and fasting

Prayer can changes things but not the will of a person- only they themselves can do that. Mannnn listen, I did so many fasts- ya gurl was hangry okay 😩. But I wanted an answer from the Lord not the prophet or my inner circle.

Additionally, I attempted to exhaust all of our options: therapy, Christian counseling , marriage self help books, more intermittent prayer and fasting and researching the topics of divorce and all of the subtopics thereof in google for endless hours- endless. Sometimes my whole work day consisted of it.

I kept the topic of Divorce to myself for over a year or so- maybe too long but I wanted to fight for my marriage and there’s is nothing wrong with doing that. Don’t let people married or single help you decide. Divorce isn’t the only option and should be taken under serious consideration and should be YOUR last resort-the last! You don’t enter marriage with the thought of divorce, at least I didn’t. Divorce in my opinion should never ever be thrown around nonchalantly to your spouse, EVER! It’s not to be used as a threat. A marriage is work and it’s ministry and just because you had a bad day, week or season for that matter doesn’t mean you should run but it means you should; do the work! Faith without works is dead, so give God something to work with.

“Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.” -James‬ ‭2:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

So how did I go about making the decision to get a divorce? I didn’t know and sometimes I still don’t know but the decision wasn’t just based solely on my feelings. The decision was based on the 2 circumstances, my children and my peace and some of the other things I listed above. However, getting a divorce should be your last resort! Yup, I know what your thinking why she saying that and she got a divorce she don’t know what I’m going though, I can’t take this no more I’m done with this man. Whether he cheated 1 time or multiple times, whether you’ve been broken down busted or disgusted what you have to know for sure is that your are ready to completely move on, if not then maybe you shouldn’t. Now I’m not an advocate of divorce I’m just a girl trying to tell my testimony in hopes that it will help women, even if its just 1. Thing is I do know some of what your going through because I probably should’ve gotten divorced maybe in 2013/2014 but it didn’t happen until 2016. The reason why is because although I gave myself to Christ in 2011 I was just attending church but not really in full relationship and understanding of who I was in HIM and what HE wanted from me. The more I began to grow in Christ I was better able to see that God honors marriage and the more I took His covenant of marriage seriously. Look here who wants to make a breach of contract with God?!, not I. I never wanted to dishonor any of God’ sacred covenants? Never!! I’m also not saying that my relationship with Christ broke my marriage but it did magnify some of the cracks.

Now there are many things that can break a marriage Trust and infidelity, money, jealousy/ insecurities to name a few. There’re some of the things that that broke my marriage.

Ones thing for sure is you know when it’s over but the fear is being the one to say it first for fear of hurting the other feelings or the burden of guilt of wanting to leave. It took me 3 years or more to decide whether or not I was gonna go file and it was a painstaking 3 years I might add. I admit I first thought it in about 2013 and thought just pick-up and run you don’t have to deal with this! Now I had only been going to church off and on for a few years so there was so much I hadn’t understood yet about covenant, marriage or relationships.

I got married at 27 and I thought I knew who I was and what I was getting into. Truth is I still don’t but I’m getting there and I’m okay with that (most days) but that’s another story. As with most it was just the next step to take in the progression of things in our relationships. I’d known this man almost all my life dating on and off since I was 17, lived together so, why not get married it’s the next thing to do right? no it didn’t need to be – I know that now. Besides, I loved him and was in love with him and wanted to build a future with him. Notice how many times I said ‘I’ and not we? It’s gotta be and ‘us’ thing, a ‘we’ thing. We weren’t moving forward together. We both had great ideas about how it would work but I’m not sure if we ever communicated it well enough to each other. I first began to see real trouble after the twins were born but thought to myself don’t worry he’s just jealous of them for right now once we get a rhythm of the twins we’ll be back on track but I’m not sure we ever did. Having children is a blessing but that too will magnify the problems in your marriage. Truth is I’m still trying to get my life because twins are no joke- mom life! There were a number of things that brought our marriage crumbling down. Neither of us I think knew what we were doing even though we tried. We weren’t perfect but we tried to make it work the best way we knew how. I could go in dept as to the details but neither of us were perfect and out of honor and respect for my ex I will protect him because I will always have love for him and he’s my children’s father- PERIOD.

Now I’m not totally saying that people who are not in Christ can’t have successful marriages. There are marriages that have longevity 20, 30 and 50 years and have exceed those of maybe some people who lead from the pulpit! What I am saying is that if WE both knew and understood Christ and the covenant of marriage before getting married maybe we would have been able last longer than we did.

The decision to get a divorce is life changing to say the least. It has effects not just the couple but the entire family dynamic. So Let your minds be sober, your spirit be right, be whole before making the decision to even get married. That way you don’t have to be sitting down weighing the options of divorce. Marriage is ministry and with any ministry it’s take work and you have to serve and submit to God, if your willing to do that then HE can bless it! Let God Decide.

Love,

Divorced and Married-

It’s not you

Let’s face it if he’s cheating then, ‘he’s just not that into you!’. Stop it sis, ‘He’s just not that into you’, I had a marriage counselor tell me that and I could’ve legit slapped the mess outta her 😂😂😂. Yeah some men and even women will say that’s this is not true and that he still loves me but nope! I don’t care what nobody says if he is cheating he’s👏🏾not👏🏾in👏🏾to you👏🏾. I mean who we trying to convince? Only yourself that’s who.

God created woman to be a helpmate to Adam HE never created Eve to be duplicated nor does the word say multi fold cord its says 3 and the 3rd person is God so why you trying to convince yourself that Keisha, Tameka and Janelle is okay too? Idk maybe you don’t consider you self worthy enough for only 1 man to love you or maybe your mental and physical health is not a priority. There was a point that I didn’t feel worthy and also tolerated mediocrity but thank God for deliverance! Now I’m not talking about couples who have been able to heal from infidelity and continue with a successfully loving marriage. I’m talking about the relationships that can’t heal from the soul ties that sexual and emotional relationships outside your marriage destroy.

Now at some point you may have asked yourself why? What did I do wrong what could I have changed? You started making a list of things like:

-Is she prettier than me?

-What she got I don’t?

-What’s her pedigree?

-The side chick or that b&tch stole my man!

-Can’t she go find her own man?

-Doesn’t she know how much time and work I put in?

These are just some of the things I was thinking when infidelity crept into my marriage, I know I’m not the only one. Truth is, your spouse’ infidelity has nothing to do with you at all and everything with him. He made the choice to allow his flesh to be weak and submit to his flesh. He decided to risk it all and break the vows that you made before God (or Mike down at city hall 😂) not you so, stop blaming yourself. Maybe he had ADHD and couldn’t get back on task, maybe he bumped his head or thought the grass was greener- you know what they say about greener grass 😏. It’s isn’t, he’s just not that into you! I mean how could she say that without knowing my situation? After giving it some thought she didn’t need to know the situation. The decision to go outside your marriage is always a self-serving choice and usually never related to the love you have for your spouse. It tends to come from a new desire or void that they think needs to be filled outside. What they really should be doing is looking for you to fill it not the side piece. So, stop being mad at the side-chick/piece because she probably doesn’t even know about you and she didn’t cheat on you your man did. So, don’t let the reasons he gives you as to why he cheated allow the insecurities to creep into your mind. Yes, it’s a hard pill to swallow so we’d rather be mad at the other woman or women (insert which whichever applies to you). A man who truly loves you can’t be stolen-period! Truth is he never loved you enough! Enough to remember to forsake all others, put God first or value you enough to not break your heart. Whether it was out of selfishness, ego, and self serving and if he can’t keep his flesh in check then he’s not for you anyway, right?! So, why do we try to convince yourself otherwise?

Truth is none of that matters. As much as you want it to matter it doesn’t because the only person you should be mad at is him- your MAN/ HUSBAE. He’s the one who choose her over you. Love is an action word so stop chasing he who does not want to be caught. Go to 1Corinthians 13 and see what the Lord says about love in case you need clarification. If we are all fearfully and wonderfully made unique by God then there just can’t be anything better about her than you! #undebatable

Truth is:

-No she’s not prettier than you.

-she doesn’t have anything you don’t, so don’t compare

-pedigrees are for 🐶 and you’re not a dog

-The side chick didn’t steal your man, he wanted to be taken so let him go

-Sure, she can keep a man but she probably just wants yours but that’s a topic for another time

-don’t look at it as wasted time but a learning experience so now you know what you do and don’t like and how to use that for the future. There is Purpose to your Pain!

So, no matter how pretty, her degree or her pedigree! Do yourself a favor and edify yourself in the word because He who loves you best is waiting on you to love Him first…and while you wait he’ll fix you up so that you won’t have to chase the next man but he’ll find you. While you wait PRAY! Pray for a man chasing God!

Note to self: you’re a Daughter of The King and who doesn’t want to be with royalty? Hold you head up ladies I wouldn’t want your 👑 to slip!

From the girl who’s been there, done that and moving on!

From ya girl divorced and married- to Jesus that is- XOXO

It’s a shame…

For months I went around in secret not wanting anyone to know that I even filed for divorce. It was my deep dark secret that I was keeping, the scarlet letter that no one could see. I was so concerned about the thoughts and opinions of what our families, peers would think. On top of that I was riddled with my own personal guilt about the failure of my marriage because it was me, It was me who filed for divorce and not him. There was no playing victim, ‘see how he up and left me ish’. No, I didn’t cheat and yes, I tried to make it work but I had finally had enough of the mess and I wanted out! So, I searched for a lawyer online for weeks and months beating myself up over statistics of divorce and the reasons I should or could leave, I mean I had to be sure. I look back to that day I walked into that office and think why did I dress up put on makeup and do my hair for a meeting in which the facilitator would help end my marriage? I sat there stoic while she asked me why I was doing this and at the end of my meeting she said, you seem to have really thought this out so I guess I’ll stop now. In my head I walked outta there like I was in a commercial hair blowing in the wind smiling feeling free…

During this time I only told my sister and BFF who kept my secret for about 6 months or so before I even told my mom. Her response when I finally did tell her was, “are you okay? If you sure you want to do this then okay”. I mean I thought she’d be upset, sad or try to tell me I made the wrong decision but nope she had my back and I couldn’t have been more relieved. (You know sometimes old school West Indian parents will pressure about these types of life choices). I found that the more people who I told out had nothing to say either way and I was feeling lighter and lighter. It was as if I’d told them I choose to eat pizza without pepperoni- you like it I love it! Also, knowing that the ones who really knew me and knew the internal struggle I was going through were happy that I was closing that chapter and moving to happiness. The bolder I mean burden had been lifted.

Truth is, the real shame came when I started to eat my self up about the effect the divorce would have on my kids. A choice I made to get free would destroy their innocence and be like Hiroshima. How do we tell them? How will they react in the moment and after? I replayed and rehearsed it in my head every day for months. We both decided that after a while we’d tell them together and needless to say their reaction was surprising. These little people whom I birthed ask the most jarring yet intelligent questions that neither of us were ready for. I think we did pretty good about keeping it short and sweet with out too much details. Kids are resilient and they can handle things better than we think and they understand far more than we think they do. Yes, there were tears and even more questions over time and there may be even more as they grow and develop but 1 thing remains: they are the most beautiful and most magical by-product of the love that once was and will remained loved. For me they are in my top 2 persons dead or alive for some of y’all real hip hop fans that’s probably Biggie or Tupac, LOL!

What’s a shame is that I’ve looked at people who go through divorce and hate each other’s presence, sight or smell of the other person. Okay, maybe you do a little but you don’t have to act like though. It’s almost as they’d never loved each other once. Nah not me. I have love for my ex and respect him, for who he is now: a father to my daughter and son. Nah, my baby daddy ( who came up with this phrase ‘baby daddy’?) ain’t too bad, we cool- still figuring out this coparenting thing. Most importantly though is that the twins see how cool we are.

It’s a dang shame that I was so scared the whole time to just live. Live without fear and just stand in the grace that God has given me in this situation. “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Lesson: don’t let the thoughts and opinions of what people might think hold you back from the freedom, dreams, desires and the love you you deserve. “Free yourself from mental slavery…” -Bob Marley

Love ya self even in this!

Yvonne

Its My Anniversary!!

Let’s pop some champagne and throw some confetti! I’m celebrating the 1 year anniversary of my D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!! Yup, I said what I said, I didn’t celebrate it when it happened but now now I’m ready and best believe its gonna be better than good. Some might say that 9 years wasn’t a good run but… “You don’t know my life and You ain’t laid down”.

Look, I came, I saw, I did, I’m done and now I gotta run! I tried lots of things to save my marriage however, I can’t be the only one fasting, praying and seeking the Lord, a girl gotta eat! Some people say marriage is 50/50 but to me marriage is 1 whole person plus 1 whole person to make a marriage but if there is only 1 whole person fighting for it then you just alone, right?! Don’t get me wrong marriage is a sacred covenant that I have great respect for.  ‘Therefore what God has joined let no man put asunder’, Matt 19:6 KJV, but if the man putting asunder is your husband then what?! After doing all that you can just stand…now I’m standing by myself. Hey, my ex is a great guy and an awesome father but he’s just not My husband. I’m grateful for all that we had and the product which are our beautiful children.

So, today I celebrate without all the guilt and sadness that I initially felt but with happiness (seeking joy in the small things daily), about my new found peace, freedom, singleness???

I’m excited about my future and for all that God has in store for me!

Now I can give my new relationship my undivided attention and He can just really have His way with me because NOW I’m ready to surrender to His will. Will there be moments of loneliness, fear, anxiety, etc? Yes, I’m sure there will be but I’m trusting God, knowing that He is the author and the finisher of my Faith and is true to His word ALWAYS! I know that He has a plan for my life and I’m excited to go on this Journey with Him, trusting Him more and more everyday (notice the focus there). Nope, I’m not the least bit worried about which man ah go pick me up with 2 pickney (say that in your most strong Caribbean accent, lol) because I’m focused on Him. Not worried about whether or not I’m going to get married again or not- not right now anyway. Today will be the day I look back on my marriage knowing that, ‘It was good that I was afflicted, for it taught me to pay attention to YOUR decrees Psalm 119:71 NLT‘. And, there are many decrees to learn but just like God has patient with me, I too will be patient with myself while I learn them.

“There is a purpose to your pain,”-Dr. Kelita Jones

Yes, I got divorced but now I’m & married- to Jesus!! And I’m going to be okay. With God it always is.