Time’s up…!

There comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and let people know that their place is now on the other side. Yeah, you might be hurt or in your emotions right now but you gotta just deal with it. Your time is up! Time waits on no man, or should I say: no one. It’s constantly moving, progressing. The older I get the more I realize that there’s; my time, your time and then there’s Gods time and Gods timing is perfect. The part that sucks is when you’re not ready… key word here: ‘you’. We, I mean, I gotta learn how to move outta Gods way… it’s easy said than done though.

Recently, I’ve come to the realization that some people are seasonal and no matter how long they’ve been around. When they are moved out of the way you have to know that Gods plan is at hand and you have to let go. Yes, sometimes it’s hard, really hard to move or let go. But, the more you try to mend, fix or hold on to it/then God will make the relationship more uncomfortable for you, very, very uncomfortable. Trust, if God wants you to move He will push you 👌🏾, like make you stumble and fall push.

For years, when going jean shopping I’d pick multiple sizes and styles to see which one fits the best or looks good on my body type. I can’t take them all just the ones that fit and sometimes every couple months I need new sizes depending on if my weight fluctuates😏 (God bless the person who made Lycra). So you see, change and growth is inevitable! It MUST happen. People should grow, change, and evolve based on the circumstances of life. The adaptation teaches you what you like and don’t like, what to pick up and what to put down (I pick things up and I put them down 😂). If you’re still the same person you were 5, 10, or 15yrs ago you haven’t grown, matured or lived for that matter. The same goes for platonic or monogamous relationships. They should grow with every situation thrown at it either getting closer together, forming a stronger bond or it will fall apart because it can’t withstand the challenges it brings.

One more example; this one might make the saints question me but… whatever, I wasn’t always saved! Just like with wine, whiskey or cognac, when it’s first produced it has a sharp edge to it. It’s good enough to drink but it could be even better after it’s aged over time. The aging increases not only the flavor but the value and most of all gives you an intense smooth flavor. So, basically what I’m trying to say is if you have fruit that’s going to spoil; throw it out or make wine with it before the times up! LOL

Tips

I recently decided to go get tips 💅🏾to go on my vacation. I don’t normally ever wear tips or nail extensions at all. During the process they sand down your nail bed to create a rough surface, apply glue then the tips, shape, apply acrylic, smooth and polish. Think I got that order right? Afterwards, I thought, girl what were you thinking getting these things 😨 even my sister was like girl don’t do it you’re gonna regret it. When I was in my early 20’s I used to wear tips with no problem but now it’s cumbersome. No offense to those that where them but they make my regular activities awkward and I’m on vacation- I can’t imagine being home having to clean, fold or wash dishes.

Sometimes relationships or even marriages can’t go back to doing the same things you used to do in the beginning. To be truly honest the more you get to know someone and you grow together (if your not growing your dying- undebatable) certain things cant be applied anymore. You create the surface or the building blocks of your relationship. You apply the tips or the love that is required to build on that surface and then you shape and polish it for it to be shiny.

After a while you either need a refill or you have to soak the tips off. Hopeful you can get a refill and have those nails looking spanky brand new. Thing is when you soak the tips off your left with a thin nail bed which you’ll spend weeks and months to grow back to its initial state.

Tip: make sure you can constantly get a refill or you’ll be left thin, broken and taking months even years to heal.

Currently wearing my tips in Punta Cana and will be taking them off as soon as I’m back in the states no refills for me 😉.

Love ya girl,

Divorced & Married on vacaciones ✈️💅🏾☀️😂

Most Valuable Player

What’s the difference? I mean aren’t they the same thing? What’s the big difference between a Father & Dad?

Most kids don’t run into their ‘fathers’ arms they run to ‘daddy’. My kids don’t say: “father father can we, will you, I want”. No, they say daddy and that’s how I refer to him as well unless I’m sometimes saying: “go ask ya father!’ I’m not sure kids even know the difference until their into their teenage years. To me they’re just not the same.

Father: biological parent to a child. Some refer to him as the donor, child support provider (most of you hope) or baby’s daddy. For the most parent it’s viewed with negative connotation which is why I don’t use any of them.

Dad/ Daddy: An active participant in the upbringing, growth and development of their child(ren). One who provides physical, emotional, spiritual support with love.

*See also characteristics of father but not necessarily nor is it essential (for all you stepdads and boyfriends that have picked up the slack so to speak).

Well all I can say is that my kids have both a father and a dad or as they would say daddypooh or the other long list of endearing terminologies.

Growing up we had both parents in the home during my elementary years. Both my parents worked hard to provide. We didn’t have name brands or eat lobster and steak everyday but we were fed bathed and clothed- the essentials. My dad put the fear of God in us without having to say a word. He was fun, took us for drives just because which usually meant ice cream or Mickey D’s or just hang out, all of us on the bed watching westerns and animal planet (which I haven’t really ever watched since his passing 17 yrs ago). He also could def cook better than my mom (don’t worry she knew that 😉). What I didn’t know about my dad until he passed was that he was a dad to so many others. I mean where did he find the time between work, traveling and being home with us🤷🏾‍♀️. I had no idea that my dad was being spread so thin it’s like he had over 10 children (nieces, nephews) not including us that he was helping to fix cars, buy clothes and giving money to and who knows what else. Even 10+ years after his death I’ve had family members say ‘he was our favorite uncle he was like a father to us and we still miss him’. As his daughter it’s an honor to hear the legacy that he has left behind in the heart of so many others. I guess that’s why I prayed so hard for my kids about the dad they’d have and God came through🙌🏾 WON’T HE DO IT!!!.

In this area I chose well ☺️. He’s a willing and active participant, and sometimes too much even telling me how to parent 😏🙄. Even in utero he was there when we found out it was twins not sure if he was more excited than I was or not. He bought me a car and built up cribs and was very attentive- which means he bought me pizza and ice cream when ever I wanted 😁. I got a car (so I didn’t have to ride the train 🤢), belly talk, spa treatments, foot rubs, ice cream galore and even a baby moon to Disney. He changed diapers and gave baths. Always there for every year for the first day of school, attends all events and school meetings good, bad or indifferent. Provides whatever they need even when I say no. Watches them while I go to class, bible study and even when I went on my most recent solo trip (even though he cheated a bit bringing them to my mom and sister😆). He helps with homework and school projects but most of all he spends time making them laugh. Sometimes its annoying how good the twins relationship is with their dad. Must have been the same feeling my mom felt about me with my dad (sorry mom 😔). Their built in best friend from the start who loves them unconditionally💕.

Hey I can’t complain especially when I hear or see up close what some women go through with their kids fathers. Begging to get them to give $50/month to feed their kids or spend time with them. Quitting jobs jut not to pay , have their passports taken away and still not paying. Breaking their babies heart when they just don’t show up 😔. We actually get along pretty well and can come in agreement with regards to most things regarding our kids.

Everyday, week and month that goes by we get better about how we co-parent and for that I’m grateful. Grateful for the mutual respect that we have for each other even after our divorce. Is it perfect everyday? Nope but I believe we are doing the very best we can to provide a loving environment that allows the kids to grow to healthy individuals regardless of whether we are together or not. I wouldn’t trade him for the world! When it comes to our team (entire village) I can say with confidence that he is our MVP🏆.

So, a special shout out goes out to: Amira & Gavin’s DADDY!! Happy Father’s/ Daddy Day, we Love ya!

*yes, I can love him even though we’re divorced.

Happy Father’s & Daddy’s Day to all you awesomedads out there!

The Decision

Should he or should I? From my experience women don’t normally initiate divorce filings, it’s traditionally the man who is leaving and moving on. However, it seems that more and more women are actually deciding to not stay in broken marriages-trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole. Now this may not be statically true but from my perspective it seems that way. More of us women are choosing ourselves over the marriage, the kids and the opinions of others when filing for divorce. I’m not sure is this is a good or bad thing, I guess it’s situational. Traditionally, it had been men who have decide to divorce because he found a new PYT or side piece and was ready to move for whatever reason but now more women are ‘reclaiming their time’ honey 😜! Women are choosing real happiness, and letting go of the fear of feeling stuck and starting over. Many have stayed for kids or fear of starting over and being alone. However, staying for the kids just makes you build resentment which leaves you bitter, miserable and alone- alone and married 😥. Knowing how and when to decide if divorce is right for you will be different for everyone.

For me I had several ways in which I decided: -weighing the burdens of proof. Yup, I thought that the ‘receipts’ would validate to people why I had to do but it’s really nonya! (Nine of your business). And you don’t need texts, photos, or any other receipts to prove somethings wrong.

Now I’m not saying you gotta catch somebody in the act or be checking his phone. However, if you feeling like doing it then your relationship is already in jeopardy.

-the pros and cons of leaving

Broken family, being single again, kids might take it hard and act out, changing you social, passport and credit & debit cards 💆🏾‍♀️ or not wondering if they working late or putting in work 😏,

-lots of prayer and fasting

Prayer can changes things but not the will of a person- only they themselves can do that. Mannnn listen, I did so many fasts- ya gurl was hangry okay 😩. But I wanted an answer from the Lord not the prophet or my inner circle.

Additionally, I attempted to exhaust all of our options: therapy, Christian counseling , marriage self help books, more intermittent prayer and fasting and researching the topics of divorce and all of the subtopics thereof in google for endless hours- endless. Sometimes my whole work day consisted of it.

I kept the topic of Divorce to myself for over a year or so- maybe too long but I wanted to fight for my marriage and there’s is nothing wrong with doing that. Don’t let people married or single help you decide. Divorce isn’t the only option and should be taken under serious consideration and should be YOUR last resort-the last! You don’t enter marriage with the thought of divorce, at least I didn’t. Divorce in my opinion should never ever be thrown around nonchalantly to your spouse, EVER! It’s not to be used as a threat. A marriage is work and it’s ministry and just because you had a bad day, week or season for that matter doesn’t mean you should run but it means you should; do the work! Faith without works is dead, so give God something to work with.

“Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.” -James‬ ‭2:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

So how did I go about making the decision to get a divorce? I didn’t know and sometimes I still don’t know but the decision wasn’t just based solely on my feelings. The decision was based on the 2 circumstances, my children and my peace and some of the other things I listed above. However, getting a divorce should be your last resort! Yup, I know what your thinking why she saying that and she got a divorce she don’t know what I’m going though, I can’t take this no more I’m done with this man. Whether he cheated 1 time or multiple times, whether you’ve been broken down busted or disgusted what you have to know for sure is that your are ready to completely move on, if not then maybe you shouldn’t. Now I’m not an advocate of divorce I’m just a girl trying to tell my testimony in hopes that it will help women, even if its just 1. Thing is I do know some of what your going through because I probably should’ve gotten divorced maybe in 2013/2014 but it didn’t happen until 2016. The reason why is because although I gave myself to Christ in 2011 I was just attending church but not really in full relationship and understanding of who I was in HIM and what HE wanted from me. The more I began to grow in Christ I was better able to see that God honors marriage and the more I took His covenant of marriage seriously. Look here who wants to make a breach of contract with God?!, not I. I never wanted to dishonor any of God’ sacred covenants? Never!! I’m also not saying that my relationship with Christ broke my marriage but it did magnify some of the cracks.

Now there are many things that can break a marriage Trust and infidelity, money, jealousy/ insecurities to name a few. There’re some of the things that that broke my marriage.

Ones thing for sure is you know when it’s over but the fear is being the one to say it first for fear of hurting the other feelings or the burden of guilt of wanting to leave. It took me 3 years or more to decide whether or not I was gonna go file and it was a painstaking 3 years I might add. I admit I first thought it in about 2013 and thought just pick-up and run you don’t have to deal with this! Now I had only been going to church off and on for a few years so there was so much I hadn’t understood yet about covenant, marriage or relationships.

I got married at 27 and I thought I knew who I was and what I was getting into. Truth is I still don’t but I’m getting there and I’m okay with that (most days) but that’s another story. As with most it was just the next step to take in the progression of things in our relationships. I’d known this man almost all my life dating on and off since I was 17, lived together so, why not get married it’s the next thing to do right? no it didn’t need to be – I know that now. Besides, I loved him and was in love with him and wanted to build a future with him. Notice how many times I said ‘I’ and not we? It’s gotta be and ‘us’ thing, a ‘we’ thing. We weren’t moving forward together. We both had great ideas about how it would work but I’m not sure if we ever communicated it well enough to each other. I first began to see real trouble after the twins were born but thought to myself don’t worry he’s just jealous of them for right now once we get a rhythm of the twins we’ll be back on track but I’m not sure we ever did. Having children is a blessing but that too will magnify the problems in your marriage. Truth is I’m still trying to get my life because twins are no joke- mom life! There were a number of things that brought our marriage crumbling down. Neither of us I think knew what we were doing even though we tried. We weren’t perfect but we tried to make it work the best way we knew how. I could go in dept as to the details but neither of us were perfect and out of honor and respect for my ex I will protect him because I will always have love for him and he’s my children’s father- PERIOD.

Now I’m not totally saying that people who are not in Christ can’t have successful marriages. There are marriages that have longevity 20, 30 and 50 years and have exceed those of maybe some people who lead from the pulpit! What I am saying is that if WE both knew and understood Christ and the covenant of marriage before getting married maybe we would have been able last longer than we did.

The decision to get a divorce is life changing to say the least. It has effects not just the couple but the entire family dynamic. So Let your minds be sober, your spirit be right, be whole before making the decision to even get married. That way you don’t have to be sitting down weighing the options of divorce. Marriage is ministry and with any ministry it’s take work and you have to serve and submit to God, if your willing to do that then HE can bless it! Let God Decide.

Love,

Divorced and Married-